What Was I Thinking When I Got Married?

I dusted off the nearly 9-year-old wedding photo surrounded by silver hearts, the frame my grandparents gave me as a gift that fateful day.

“What was I thinking when I got married,” the thought crossed my mind as I studied the photo.

I remember the shot. We had just finished walking down the aisle after being pronounced husband and wife. My smile was the biggest I’ve ever experienced (even, dare I say, bigger than following the birthes of our two children, but that came with a whole other level of exhaustion of course) and a tear slipped down my right eye as the photographer took our picture. We carefully shoved my full wedding dress into the waiting limo for the 10-minute ride to the reception and our photog snapped this photo.

We had waited three full years for that moment. We hadn’t lived together, but were practically inseparable. He and I were adventurers, frequently hiking and rollerblading, braving frosty ice and even (gasp) a Ferris Wheel (long story). Now, after the bridesmaids’ dresses were chosen and altered; after the tuxes were rented and the church was booked; after taste-testing and choosing a caterer and picking out wedding colors; after two rounds of invitations (that was a doozy) and cutting corners to hit our budget, here we were.

I thought I knew what I was in for. I thought he knew what he was in for.

I was wrong.

I thought I was a good person who was kind and considerate of others.

I was wrong.

I thought I was confident and capable of facing and conquering all fears by myself.

I was wrong.

I thought I loved him so much that I could never intentionally hurt him.

I was wrong.

I thought marriage was a safety barrier, closing the door on challenges from the past.

I was wrong.

I thought I knew all of his idiosyncrasies and struggles.

I was wrong.

I thought he and I were the perfect communicators.

I was wrong.

I thought we would pull together and have a Christ-centered relationship with frequent Bible studies and prayer.

I was wrong.

I thought he would be the cook.

I was wrong.

I thought I would do most of the child rearing.

I was wrong.

I thought he would be the one to tell us to step out in faith when it was time to take a leap.

I was wrong.

I thought I would always be the soft spot in the family when anyone encountered challenges.

I was wrong.

I thought I had it all together and the perfect plan set for our lives.

I was wrong.

What was I thinking when I got married? Oh, lots of things (clearly). Between life, unmet (and unspoken) expectations, failures and faults, exhaustion and shock, we’ve weathered many storms and I’ve learned a few things.

1. It never feels good to intentionally wound someone. Self-control is sometimes the greatest act of love you can demonstrate in the heat of the moment.

2. Compromise binds; selfish decisions divide. Making decisions together, be they small or large, pulls you together as a team and keeps out insecurities and offenses.

3. No, you can’t say something too many times. Although my husband may disagree with me on this one, I’m a firm believer that clearing the air, especially if something is weighing on you, is the best medicine for you, the other person and the relationship.

4. Forgiveness is freeing. Boy, am I imperfect. And, so is he (thank goodness!). Forgiving mistakes and wounds and letting them go is critical to moving on and moving TOGETHER. I repeat: it’s important to move on together.

5. Leave room in your schedule for the other person. Life has so much to offer, but it’s no fun without your best friend. Carve out spaces of time for fun, laughter and reconnecting. Once kids come, this grows more and more difficult. I feel like I’m learning to do this more every single day.

6. Pray for your significant other. Prayer softens the heart and makes you consider the other person’s needs. Maybe it even calls out a few things you need to change in order to support them. Taking time to pause, reflect and consistently offer up your significant other’s needs and desires stirs something in your own heart.

Bottom line…I’ve realized that love is a choice. Love really is a verb. It’s an action. Every step we take. Every word we speak. Every choice we make…we’re either showing love or we’re harming it.

Stay united and always remember what you were thinking when you got married. It could change your perspective on where you currently are in your marriage.

What do you think? Anything to add? Share your comment below.